What the actual fuck?

Tonight, I saw these two batch-mates of mine, giggling and running. Over joyed & screaming 'Attendance tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!' and instantly this question swooped in my mind - In which strange parallel dimension will I start enjoying the 'Attendance' part here at my hostel? This is what I call the height of ‘gheyness’. You gotta line up, stand quietly and put your cell phones on silent mode plus you are not supposed to use them. (Sure, and the class teachers are mad to leave the classes in anger for the same reason, how can ‘Teh Wardens’ expect us to obey?) As if we are your prisoners. Ladies, we won’t run away. If promising would provide us a respite from attending this ritual daily then, well, GawdPraamise!

And Ms. Warden(s), one thing that I really long to tell you is that this isn't a boarding school's dorm. We are in UG courses and major citizens of this country womunn! And if you of all people want to teach us the basic manners then, You, Medaaaam ji, must know, that we don’t wear the same Salwaar for 3 days and that it's not 'shot' it's 'sort' and 'cigarette' and 'secret' are two different things. Very different.

And this other, very awesome lady, wears a oh-so-trendy hair band and thinks dunno what of herself. Lady! You are a fashion disaster and you are not YOUNG. Stop spreading your i-am-this-young suchna on every floor.

I have even seen asslickers here who babysit the third warden’s kids and I tag them SooparChuts. And some seniors in this hostel have no better work to do. For example, the proctors. They take your attendance and they DON'T go. They stay. They stay till they don’t eat every single strand of your brain noodles. They tell you that you didn't wish them when they passed by you for the 30kth time this morning. They tell you that while walking with your boyfriend you were laughing loudly and didn’t notice them (Obviously, mentioning themselves everywhere IS important for them. Veryveryvery important) and they even teach you how to sit in the cafe. As if the four wardens aren't enough. Please guys. Being this uncool is unhealthy. Trust me.

Oh and the attendance time? One hour of full torture. They shout like madwomen. This is how they pass their time, methinks. Poor wardens. Nothing to do all day long. Shouting for no reason might add to their might is it? Too wise a thought, ladies. Great job there. Keep doing it. You ladies might become next ‘Cruella’ in kiddy tales. I’m betting on you.

Walking with your Memories

It’s a clear and sunny day to them, but I see silver clouds hanging around me. I keep walking, and it feels like I’m walking in the desert, barefoot. Every tick goes by…aches… like the pulse behind a bruise. I miss those mornings, when vibrations with a sweet text used to wake me up and those times when fortitude of texting back took over my laziness every afternoon. And I miss those long, sleepless, arousing nights too.

My head is filled up with his memories. And in a way, I’m glad…because these memories are my only reminder that he was real…that those times were.
When I look around, flowers don’t fascinate me… I feel like their beauty is lost…like me. And when I look back down, I see the road and I see us there, amused, looking each other in the eyes, as if there is a projector up somewhere.

Seems like I been walking from years, though it’s been a while I stepped out from my home. It’s funny how the distance from home to the park suddenly increased and it never did when we wanted to. Everyday, I stop myself, but I feel like its involuntary, I don’t go there something draws me towards it. And the other reason could be that that’s the only place where I’m me. That’s the only place where I don’t have to wear a fake smile to show the world that I’m fine. And may be because that is the place where my hopes of seeing him… again… come to life.

Those heavy, decayed iron gates are now standing in front of me, shut. Like they were, three years back, when we came here for the first time in search of a lonely place. Who on earth would go to an old carbide factory in search of peace? He would. I open the gate, and get in. I see the boulevard where once we used to walk, linking arms. “Riddhi, every time I come here with you, it feels like heaven” he’d said once.

I’m standing still, starring far down the street. The unceasing drone of the city muffles here. The dusk is sucking all the light around me, literally. There is just a single lamp, illuminated, glaring at me. I ghost past the factory and the workshop. Till now, I tried my best, but whenever I see this park, all my feelings and emotions start flooding this place.

I push the gates open. Darkness of the dead park dissolves all the light coming from the lamp, still glaring at me, from a distance. I move towards the end…the end of my journey. I sit down near the bench, drawing my legs up to my chest. I try … I try a lot, but my tears just don’t stop. Whenever I come here, my brain stops functioning, I go blank.

But it’s for the last time, that I’m coming here. And I’m not alone, I brought something with me. I don’t know how this entire idea would look like to the world. But I’m still doing it. Yes, leaving you a letter where no one comes, not even you, IS stupid. What else can I do?

-

She takes out a letter from her pocket and puts it on the bench and walks back, somewhere.

-

The Letter


Dear love,

When you left…you took everything with you, but your absence is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole that’s been punched through my chest. I shout my lungs out, I call you back, but you never come. I have this aching need to hear your voice, in my ears again.

Sometimes I think, is there a possibility, that all I had was just what I longed? Were you real? Were we? You were like the beautiful melody that played in my long nights. And now, when my world is falling apart, I need you, to hug me like the stars hold the moon in the sky, right there where they belong. My life, with you was like a kaleidoscope, filled with colours and light. And now you broke it.

Just give me back those days because I’m mad…mad about you. I want to hold your hands and walk in the park again. I want you to chase me in the woods again I…I want you to kiss me again …like you did, before you left. I cannot not want all this.

And if it was a dream, make me sleep again, forever or comeback. Please.

Nothing’s left unspoken. And there is nothing I can rely upon, except your memories which sometimes bring my smile back…which are always with me when I’m alone…which keep you…alive…in my heart.
Waiting for you to reply.

I miss you. And more than that, I miss being loved

Yours forever
-Riddhi

Riddhi never came back to that park ever again. But still every morning she thinks of him, every sunset she imagines him with her. And foolish though it may seem, she still waits for him to call her back ... to the park.

Something Remains.

something remains
I think all has been done
Forgotten…
Pain and memories rotten…

And self-pity gives way to anger

A loss of comfort, at the sight of your smile
Close to my thoughts, though between us there are miles

I didn’t allow pain to destroy me
Neither I want my fury to do so

I still wonder why
If all has been done, forgotten…
Something Remains?

Girl.

There’s a girl,
A big - little girl.
Lost in her own world.
But now looks at the harsh realities of the world.

She thought the world was a beautiful place,
A place with no disgrace and only solace.
But only when she found out the furnance,
Her opinions changed.

Life is not easy,
She learnt it the hard way.
Though she is tired, very very tired,
She won’t give up come what may.

Fighting for survival,
Has made her strong.
She discovered her ‘warrior within’
And since then has just kept going on.

She tries to accept what comes her way,
With a smile, and a little dismay.
People say, her smile is her tool – weapon,
She wonders if this is her gift from heaven

By god’s grace she has everything.
She is thankful for that and does not demand anything.
Just prays silently for her dreams to come true.
Life has ended and begun for her so many times anew.

She just realizes how lucky she is.
Thanks someone up there and reminisces.
Wipes her tears way and puts them back in her heart.
She just wishes to thank all those who held her close to their hearts.