I admit, I'm bad.

Have you ever witnessed a situation totally messed up where everything has gone wrong and you are the one who is being accused or blamed? How do you feel when someone yells “Hey! You did it!” and most importantly, how do you react?

Irrespective of the fact whether you are guilty or not, the first tool that you choose is always a sword in defense. You reflex-ly shoot a straight no-I-did-not statement without even thinking whether you did it or not.

Now before going further let’s consider two cases when:-

a)       You are innocent

If you are being blamed for something you didn’t do, then the sword you have raised in defense is certainly going to help you win the dual. There won’t be any self pity even if you lose. Because you didn’t do anything wrong.

b)       You are guilty

If you are guilty, and you have already raised your sword, then there is a fat chance for you to win. You are a smart player. You know how to defend yourself. But there is one very big disadvantage. While you are at the task of making the world believe, that you are innocent, a part of you twitches somewhere at the back. You accomplish your task anyway.

-

Often in this process, you yourself forget that you were lying in order to make the world believe what you did was right or what you are saying is true. For instance, swing back to the times when you used to fake a fever to avoid school. While pretending that you are sick, you actually start feeling sick, isn’t it? You start living your own lie as a truth.

Today is a strange day, and I guess that’s why I am taking the pain of writing it all. This whole week has been weird. I have thought about past, present and future and after wondering over everything that I have been doing I have come to this conclusion –

I am a bad person.

Yes, and I am not afraid to admit that I have lied to my friends & family, I have been rude to my teachers, I have stolen money from my mom’s bag, I have bunked classes and have hurt so many people knowingly. My thoughts and behavior have been ill from past few days. My attitude and language has been unhealthy for so long … and I know that all this may come as a shock for you people, but me? I have known it all along. All this while, I was pretending to be good. But today, I have realized that it’s not bad to admit what you are or what you have been. Like every coin, every person too has two sides – Good and the bad.

So, if you say, “I am not bad” then I am extremely sorry sir, I am not going to believe you. Even Super Man has been bad. People might say “yes we have done bad things but we are good by heart.” What does that even mean, mister? Why do you have to hide all your bad deeds behind statements as such? Like sky and the earth, like dawn and dusk, like yin and yang … bad has always been as essential and as obvious to exist as good. We all have a hidden and dark side of us. So if today I admit all those bad things that I have done, then it doesn’t make me a bad person. On the contrary it raises me above the ones who are still carrying the guilt on their shoulders just for the sake of portraying a good image to the world.

We have to realize that our life is for us to live. Being pretentious so that someone else will like it is just another way of wasting our time. We all are good & bad and not good or bad. If we can hold that pride for everything good we have done, then we should be gutsy enough to swallow the same pride and be honest to the world about our bad deeds.

What matters the most is our life and the people who are a part of it. You are comprised of good and bad, and the people who love you; they love both the sides of you. Our parents catch us so many times when we lie, but what do they do at maximum? They punish us, stop talking to us for several days or may be ground us. But do they hate us? No. So, if you are hiding your dark side from someone because of the fear of losing, then don’t. For if they really love you, then, they are going to be staying exactly where they are, no matter what.

What the actual fuck?

Tonight, I saw these two batch-mates of mine, giggling and running. Over joyed & screaming 'Attendance tiiiiiiiiiiiiime!' and instantly this question swooped in my mind - In which strange parallel dimension will I start enjoying the 'Attendance' part here at my hostel? This is what I call the height of ‘gheyness’. You gotta line up, stand quietly and put your cell phones on silent mode plus you are not supposed to use them. (Sure, and the class teachers are mad to leave the classes in anger for the same reason, how can ‘Teh Wardens’ expect us to obey?) As if we are your prisoners. Ladies, we won’t run away. If promising would provide us a respite from attending this ritual daily then, well, GawdPraamise!

And Ms. Warden(s), one thing that I really long to tell you is that this isn't a boarding school's dorm. We are in UG courses and major citizens of this country womunn! And if you of all people want to teach us the basic manners then, You, Medaaaam ji, must know, that we don’t wear the same Salwaar for 3 days and that it's not 'shot' it's 'sort' and 'cigarette' and 'secret' are two different things. Very different.

And this other, very awesome lady, wears a oh-so-trendy hair band and thinks dunno what of herself. Lady! You are a fashion disaster and you are not YOUNG. Stop spreading your i-am-this-young suchna on every floor.

I have even seen asslickers here who babysit the third warden’s kids and I tag them SooparChuts. And some seniors in this hostel have no better work to do. For example, the proctors. They take your attendance and they DON'T go. They stay. They stay till they don’t eat every single strand of your brain noodles. They tell you that you didn't wish them when they passed by you for the 30kth time this morning. They tell you that while walking with your boyfriend you were laughing loudly and didn’t notice them (Obviously, mentioning themselves everywhere IS important for them. Veryveryvery important) and they even teach you how to sit in the cafe. As if the four wardens aren't enough. Please guys. Being this uncool is unhealthy. Trust me.

Oh and the attendance time? One hour of full torture. They shout like madwomen. This is how they pass their time, methinks. Poor wardens. Nothing to do all day long. Shouting for no reason might add to their might is it? Too wise a thought, ladies. Great job there. Keep doing it. You ladies might become next ‘Cruella’ in kiddy tales. I’m betting on you.

Walking with your Memories

It’s a clear and sunny day to them, but I see silver clouds hanging around me. I keep walking, and it feels like I’m walking in the desert, barefoot. Every tick goes by…aches… like the pulse behind a bruise. I miss those mornings, when vibrations with a sweet text used to wake me up and those times when fortitude of texting back took over my laziness every afternoon. And I miss those long, sleepless, arousing nights too.

My head is filled up with his memories. And in a way, I’m glad…because these memories are my only reminder that he was real…that those times were.
When I look around, flowers don’t fascinate me… I feel like their beauty is lost…like me. And when I look back down, I see the road and I see us there, amused, looking each other in the eyes, as if there is a projector up somewhere.

Seems like I been walking from years, though it’s been a while I stepped out from my home. It’s funny how the distance from home to the park suddenly increased and it never did when we wanted to. Everyday, I stop myself, but I feel like its involuntary, I don’t go there something draws me towards it. And the other reason could be that that’s the only place where I’m me. That’s the only place where I don’t have to wear a fake smile to show the world that I’m fine. And may be because that is the place where my hopes of seeing him… again… come to life.

Those heavy, decayed iron gates are now standing in front of me, shut. Like they were, three years back, when we came here for the first time in search of a lonely place. Who on earth would go to an old carbide factory in search of peace? He would. I open the gate, and get in. I see the boulevard where once we used to walk, linking arms. “Riddhi, every time I come here with you, it feels like heaven” he’d said once.

I’m standing still, starring far down the street. The unceasing drone of the city muffles here. The dusk is sucking all the light around me, literally. There is just a single lamp, illuminated, glaring at me. I ghost past the factory and the workshop. Till now, I tried my best, but whenever I see this park, all my feelings and emotions start flooding this place.

I push the gates open. Darkness of the dead park dissolves all the light coming from the lamp, still glaring at me, from a distance. I move towards the end…the end of my journey. I sit down near the bench, drawing my legs up to my chest. I try … I try a lot, but my tears just don’t stop. Whenever I come here, my brain stops functioning, I go blank.

But it’s for the last time, that I’m coming here. And I’m not alone, I brought something with me. I don’t know how this entire idea would look like to the world. But I’m still doing it. Yes, leaving you a letter where no one comes, not even you, IS stupid. What else can I do?

-

She takes out a letter from her pocket and puts it on the bench and walks back, somewhere.

-

The Letter


Dear love,

When you left…you took everything with you, but your absence is everywhere I look. It’s like a huge hole that’s been punched through my chest. I shout my lungs out, I call you back, but you never come. I have this aching need to hear your voice, in my ears again.

Sometimes I think, is there a possibility, that all I had was just what I longed? Were you real? Were we? You were like the beautiful melody that played in my long nights. And now, when my world is falling apart, I need you, to hug me like the stars hold the moon in the sky, right there where they belong. My life, with you was like a kaleidoscope, filled with colours and light. And now you broke it.

Just give me back those days because I’m mad…mad about you. I want to hold your hands and walk in the park again. I want you to chase me in the woods again I…I want you to kiss me again …like you did, before you left. I cannot not want all this.

And if it was a dream, make me sleep again, forever or comeback. Please.

Nothing’s left unspoken. And there is nothing I can rely upon, except your memories which sometimes bring my smile back…which are always with me when I’m alone…which keep you…alive…in my heart.
Waiting for you to reply.

I miss you. And more than that, I miss being loved

Yours forever
-Riddhi

Riddhi never came back to that park ever again. But still every morning she thinks of him, every sunset she imagines him with her. And foolish though it may seem, she still waits for him to call her back ... to the park.

Something Remains.

something remains
I think all has been done
Forgotten…
Pain and memories rotten…

And self-pity gives way to anger

A loss of comfort, at the sight of your smile
Close to my thoughts, though between us there are miles

I didn’t allow pain to destroy me
Neither I want my fury to do so

I still wonder why
If all has been done, forgotten…
Something Remains?

Girl.

There’s a girl,
A big - little girl.
Lost in her own world.
But now looks at the harsh realities of the world.

She thought the world was a beautiful place,
A place with no disgrace and only solace.
But only when she found out the furnance,
Her opinions changed.

Life is not easy,
She learnt it the hard way.
Though she is tired, very very tired,
She won’t give up come what may.

Fighting for survival,
Has made her strong.
She discovered her ‘warrior within’
And since then has just kept going on.

She tries to accept what comes her way,
With a smile, and a little dismay.
People say, her smile is her tool – weapon,
She wonders if this is her gift from heaven

By god’s grace she has everything.
She is thankful for that and does not demand anything.
Just prays silently for her dreams to come true.
Life has ended and begun for her so many times anew.

She just realizes how lucky she is.
Thanks someone up there and reminisces.
Wipes her tears way and puts them back in her heart.
She just wishes to thank all those who held her close to their hearts.

Attraction? :)

Attraction is a funny thing. This naughty lil trouble takes over our mind like alcohol and stimulates the lust in us. Attraction makes us do everything that we’d regret later. In spite of knowing it, we happily let attraction take over our mind. Why?

May be, to achieve worthwhile moments which were mere fantasies ones? The period of attraction is magical. Your mind keeps on diving in the thoughts of that thing/person you are attracted to. You don’t show that you want it/him/her badly. You don’t even know whether you want them or not. All you know is that you like being with them. You like everything when they are around. You might not talk to them, but you’d keep a track of each and every step they take.

When you are done with it, you start regretting. Sometimes, you even think that it was stupid of yourself to fall for something/somebody of that sort. But memories jump in to play their tricky part. They toss your head in and out and make you relive that sweet time.

Attraction does not only leave regression, it also leaves broken bonds behind. Sweet, delicate, beautiful and broken bonds which you knew from the start were meant to be broken.
When you are attracted to somebody/something, somewhere deep in your heart you know the fact that it is not what you actually want. But you still fall for it/him.


It’s a short magical period which gives you nothing but still you want it at any cost. It’s like a stillborn baby. Which is dead at birth?

Attraction to me is a disease which I never let people know has caught me. ^_^ whatever it is, it’s lovely. I know it would not help me ahead in my life at all.
May be at some point of my life, someday, I chuckle at my stupidity and get the flash back of these wonderful moments. And believe me, that smile would be one of the sweetest smiles I wear.

Right now, I’m lovin’ it. Are you?

The Gazebo.

Her elbows were resting on Gazebo’s sill. It was a lovely orange morning. Bell sleeves of her white night gown were floating in warm summer air and strands of her wavy hair were covering her face. Suddenly, a distant creak echoed in her ears and she turned around. She saw someone in the wooden corridor. She was fiddling with her long sleeves and waiting or the face to come closer. ‘Who could it be?’ she thought curiously raising her eyebrows. After some time, the face was clear. But she didn’t recognize him. He was a total stranger. She waited for him to come and speak, but he came and passed her by without uttering a single word. She turned around and looked at him, stunned. He was standing exactly where she was couple of moments ago. She went to him, now standing side by side asked, ‘Who are you?’ He smiled without looking at her and said softly ‘I see you here everyday and today, I couldn’t resist coming. I want to see the magic, the miracle that you witness here in this Gazebo daily.’ She was still looking at him, after thinking a bit she said ‘Magic, Miracle? No way, there isn’t anything as such, I mean I come here daily and I have never seen anything magical here.’ She turned around and scanned the place quickly.’ No, nothing miraculous here, Nothing at all. What made you think so?’
He still wasn’t looking at her, spoke in a very soft and soothing voice’ Are you sure? Because, I see a miracle here everyday, and today, this place has turned even more magical. Tell me, are you the only one who knows about this miraculous Gazebo?’ She turned back at him, irritated now; spoke in a high voice which still sounded soft ‘what are you talking about? There isn’t anything magical or miraculous here. I know this place more than anyone else on earth! And I don’t know any magic. So, Mr. Whomsoever you are, will you finish your baseless, pointless, senseless story now?’ She spoke in a single breath. For the first time after his unusual arrival, he looked her in the eyes. His smile was still on his lips and his face was very calm and soothing. He gripped her shoulders gently ‘Lady, what’s wrong? Why are you so disturbed? Well, you obviously know the magic I’m talking about. You make it happen here, everyday. You know about it, how can you deny this fact when you witness it daily?’ He said.
Her lips pursed, she shrugged. Signaling him she didn’t understand a thing. ‘Ah, let me explain you. Everyday in the morning you come here. Don’t you?’ she nodded. He continued ‘and everyday when you come, you have drops of tears rolling down your cheeks. Your face looks terribly sad. But after some time, when I look at you again, I see you smiling, blooming. Sad grunts changes into lovely songs. Isn’t this magic? This Gazebo makes people happy. It shoos our sadness off. Makes our wishes come true. Isn’t it?’ she let go his hand off her shoulders. Avoiding eye contact she said ‘you have been stalking me? You were keeping a watch over me so that you can make fun of my tears? I know the likes of you. But I’m a hard nut to crack. Listen carefully; there is no magic in here. No miracles nothing! This Gazebo doesn’t make your wishes come true. I cry, because I feel like it and I smile because I want to. Gazebo doesn’t do anything! Yes! I do make wishes; stupid silly wishes which I know won’t come true ever! I ask for someone who exists in the fairytales and not in real. I know he’d never come but I still wish. And my wish hasn’t ever come true.’
She sat down slowly and there were tears in the corner of her eyes. She spoke again ‘please go away! I beg you, I don’t need anyone. Go! Please.’
He smiled again. Bent down and whispered in her ear ‘do you really want me to leave? Yesterday you were sobbing and calling out my name, saying you want me to come to take all your pains away. And today, you want me to go? Are you sure, Pavi?’
She looked at him stunned ‘To you? I used to call my angel not yo…’ and before she could finish her sentence everything faded to black she heard a faint whisper ‘I’m waiting, answer me, Pavi.’
Suddenly everything turned dark. And the next moment everything was bright. She removed her blanket, wore her slippers and ran towards the Gazebo in her white night gown…