September 11, 2011

What's past this - I

All the importance that memories hold is due to the illusion they create. Memories keep providing us with the proofs of our existence... that the 'I' in us was there when we had experienced the moments of both indifference and curiosity. Our life is like a treacherous bridge. Our memories let us look back and we remember every cavity we'd fallen into, as well as the times when we owned the run of this bridge.

This was the third time she had seen the same dream over again - The mild scent of the wet soil, tiny raindrops on the green grass of the football ground, surrounded with hills and forest and... his face. It is impossible for her to sleep now. everything revolved around her, with no intentions of losing their pace, like the planets. Her throat clenched, her eyes puffy with dark spheres around them and her mind entangled in the roots and branches of practicality and dreams. She thought about those two hours, again.

'Hey, um... when were you leaving you said?'
'Yea... Hi, around 7.'
'Oh, Okay. All packed?'
'I want to meet you, before leaving'
'Sure, text me when you are out'

Rains, he'd said once, are always a bad omen, for him. She didn't totally understand what he meant when he said - 'That day too, it was raining', and never even asked him. But she didn't know that what he said was genuinely true, she didn't know that even today, it was going to rain.
She had slowly grown accustomed to this tentative but not-so-pleasant fact that her rest of the life, here, is going to be like this. Without him, without noone. 
All these days of resistance, she thought, had done no good to her. And today, the last day, she just cannot not show him what she actually felt. She reached the field before him and decided to text him only after convincing herself to not cry or react in any way that seems stupid. She texted him 
'Hey I'm in the field. Waiting.'
- 'Already? I'm coming.'

She saw him coming from a distance. He must have felt her gaze at him, with a half-bewildered, half-graceful smile on her lips. She was like a baby, who would - in her determination of exploring the world - reach out, cherish the strange things around for a while, and then start getting scared with the fear of getting stepped on, and would flinch and crawl back to him bruised and confused. 
After their break up, she hardly noticed, hardly cared about anything around her. She had passed these days in a distant corner of her mind. In a state beyond dream and disillusionment. There, the future did not matter and past held only this wisdom : That love was a damaging mistake and its accomplice, hope, a treacherous illusion
But somehow that day everything changed. All those assumptions, understandings and conclusions were the nothing but results of all the hasty decisions she'd made.
'Let's go to the cafe, did you eat anything?'
'Nope, let's go, I will eat you otherwise!'
Out of all the other things they both shared, this was one thing she adored him the most for. He made everything so easy. She could tell him whatever she felt like - deepest, darkest, ugliest, grossest, weirdest things on earth, without any hesitation.


Post a Comment